Awake

How long have I been asleep? Six months for sure…maybe as long as a year …or more? I have been jolted awake and am staring at myself in amazement. How could I have let this happen? I have been walking through life numb and disheartened.

They say you never know how sick you are until you feel better. Well I didn’t know how depressed I was until – the happiness of Teresa's coming visit jerked me awake. Now I find myself vacillating between trying to figure out how to catch up and chastising myself for being so insane. But, I have this sense of energy and clarity that has been seriously missing for a long time.

Here are two of the things that I must immediately correct:

Academics: I have totally screwed up this semester. I currently have a C in Greek Art and Architecture – my professor is not exactly thrilled with me. She knows I can do better. I am barely making a B in Design of Cities: Roman Urbanism. This is crazy!! I have not read and scarcely studied for these classes. I have 2 exams and 2 papers due in the next 3 weeks that could make or break me.

Christening Gown: I have a christening gown to make for a friend…all the fabric and lace are in disarray waiting to be put together. The date for the ceremony is November 8th in Pennsylvania. That gives me a week! Procrastination has always been my middle name – and I usually justify this by saying I work better under pressure. This time is different though. My insecurities with my own faith (or lack of) have made a creative outlet that I used to find joy in become a task. I need to focus on the joy of my friend and her beautiful baby boy whose birth is truly a miracle!

There are so many other things that are clear now that I need to address and not let overwhelm me. Age, health, work, attitude, loss of my parents, missing Jenny, Teresa and Charleston, house fire, future – things I don’t need to worry about, but acknowledge and move on. I will figure out how deal with each of them in a positive way. I need to live in today – Awake!